Temper Temper

So I was at the Darach war practice on Sunday and something funny happened. Well, it wasn’t really funny in that “Ha ha, oh Enid, you card!” way that’s always soooo charming, it was funny in that “Wow, I just completely took myself aback by doing something really unexpected!” way.

I was in a line standing across from a gentleman who killed me just as I thought I tip-cut across the width of his forearm (in Caid, a tip cut across the width of a limb is enough to render it useless). His kill on me was unquestionable, but as I turned around to walk back to the resurrection point, I saw him turn and continue to fight his way down the line, both arms intact and in use.

I’m not going to definitively say I did or I didn’t hit his arm, because really, mistakes happen on both sides, and the point of this post is not to cast aspersion on a member of my community or to paint myself as some kind of tolerant, saintly wronged party, but rather to confess something a bit shameful about myself:

As I was walking back to the res point, I heard myself say “Hey, don’t take that arm or anything!”

Now, in the grand scheme of things, this is not a big deal. It’s not like I shouted it at him across the line, or went screaming to the marshals frothing at the mouth, or ran back from the res point looking for revenge, or jumped across the line and kicked him in the kneecap, or waited patiently for the first opportunity to slash his tires and put sugar in his gas tank. No one even heard me say it, as far as I know, because I was surrounded by ten feet of empty grass in every direction. But it struck me. What was I saying? Why did I have an issue with this guy? What possessed me to actually speak my frustrations out loud and uncensored, rather than doing something productive about them? I’m not the kind of person who says stuff like that just to vent, right?

But bottom line is, I did say it, it was rude, and it was petty and passive-aggressive. It wasn’t even prompted by a serious issue, because if I’d had a serious problem with him, I would have asked him about it, right then and there. That’s probably what I should have done anyway, just to clear the air.

The point is, my temper was up, I got annoyed, and I let it come out without even thinking about it. I was just blowing off steam. I remember hearing myself say something and stopping, really surprised at such a display of bad behavior. Actually, my annoyance at him completely vanished because the behavior struck me as so out of character.

See, one of my biggest pet peeves on the field is people who can’t control their temper. It’s a close second to unchivalrous jerks who can only have a good time if they’re winning. To me, losing your temper on the field is indicative of only one thing: that it’s time for you to be somewhere else. I see someone march off the field, swearing holes in the ozone layer, or throwing their gear around on the sidelines, or yelling and crying about the terrible time they’re having (unless they’re actually injured, of course), and I wonder why they’re there in the first place. Clearly they’re not having a good time, and now they’re making a big deal about it, probably impacting other folks’ good time, and generally acting childish. Temper tantrums don’t get three year olds what they want, why should adults expect anything different?

I realize I’m not necessarily demonstrating the most magnanimous perspective here, but it’s something I feel pretty strongly about. The rapier field is not the place for temper tantrums, just like it’s not the place for backbiting, hurt feelings, or any manner of unchivalrous behavior. If you have a problem with someone, you find them, and a marshal if you really think it’s necessary, and you discuss it rationally, like grown-ups. Everyone gets pissed off, everyone gets upset, and everyone has a right to their feelings—but, as much as is possible, it should not affect your game. As one of my favorite YouTube videos tells us:

“Feelings? Look, mate, you know what has a lot of feelings? Blokes what bludgeon their wife to death wif a golf trophy. Professionals have standards. Be polite. Be efficient. Have a plan to kill everyone you meet.”

I’m not much of a one for mottos, but the last few sentences above seem pretty apropos to me, fencing-wise. That and “If you’re not having fun, you’re doing it wrong.”

I appreciate that it's not always easy to see the big picture or keep from getting frustrated, and Lord knows I don't always practice what I preach, but that's the mindset with which I try to approach life on the rapier field. In fact, I have a higher standard of behavior for myself on the rapier field than I do off. It's a combative environment, one full of physical force, yelling, and emotional highs. Tempers can flare, feelings can be hurt, and resentments can brew. In my own little way, I try to pay it forward by staying upbeat, keeping myself smiling and trying to get others to smile too, and trying to cultivate an attitude of generosity.

Usually, I’m pretty good at keeping my cool, and at fixing bad behavior when I notice it or hear about it (for example, I used to swear a lot on the field, but I don’t at all anymore). I’m often snarky, occasionally sarcastic, frequently profane, and generally as imperfect as everyone else, but I very rarely let myself get angry on the rapier field. I have an extraordinarily long fuse, and am more likely to laugh at someone who’s pissing me off than I am to yell at them. Screaming, crying, and passive-aggressive BS are not usually my thing, which is why the random exclamation on Sunday surprised me so much.

Is that really so far a cry from marching off the field, whipping off my mask, bursting into tears, and yelling at everyone in earshot about whose fault it is that I’m not having fun anymore? Because (SPOILER ALERT) the person who’s responsible for me having or not having fun is me. I’m in control of my behavior, or so I thought, and I can choose to ignore bad stuff, behave chivalrously, and try to increase my own and other folks’ fun. I don’t want to start exhibiting behavior I find shameful, disappointing, or immature, even if the only person who knows about it is me.

At the end of the day, the net impact of my actions on the field was probably nothing, but the net impact of my actions on myself was worth noticing. I surprised myself. I expected better from myself. If nothing else, it’s a valuable reminder that, as easygoing as I try to be, I do have a temper in there somewhere, and sometimes it acts without consulting the upper management. That’s not an excuse—it’s just something I have to keep an eye on, and apparently should have been before now.

Estrella War, 2010

I fenced much better at Estrella this year than last year. I even zippered a line with the help of the suave and dashing Marcos de la Cruz! I haven't done that since my first Estrella, when I was killing people left, right, and center because I was obviously shiny new and everyone ignored me. :)

Cue my brags: He and I were keeping a line with him anchoring a corner on my right. He said “You ready?” and I said “Yep!” and he took out the guy directly in front of me and turned that into a charge at the guy directly in front of him. That guy, who was anchoring the corner on his side, backed up a couple steps which gave me room to kill the guy on my left, then the guy after him, and the guy after him… I know it doesn’t sound like a huge deal, but I was very proud of myself and, more importantly, I remember the whole thing clearly and understand why it worked the way it did. No tunnel vision! Yay me!

I don't have much new to say about how I fenced at Estrella. I did pretty well avoiding the melee tunnel vision (meaning when I res'd I managed to find a tactically useful place to go fight, rather than just filing back into the meat grinder lines, which I've always found frustrating and exhausting). My point control was good--I took lots of arms and hands. I didn't get killed in lines because I wasn't paying attention to the right people (this was my big weakness last year, so I'm really glad to be able to say that). Except for one notable exception, I didn't get pissed off and, fortunately, wasn't hit too hard at all. It was nice.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the social aspect of rapier, which is part of what's kept this post from being written for so long.

My Estrella post:

First, and most importantly, I'm not perfect. I'm not a saint, and I'm certainly not a consistent model of exemplary conduct on the field. I don't want this to come off as a sermon, or a rant, or a diatribe... I just have strong opinions and feel the need to analyze them, and how do I do that best? By writing about it, of course!

In terms of fencing conduct, exceptions must be made for different Kingdoms. We all have our own rules, and, just as importantly, our own unspoken guidelines which most of us abide by but aren't written down anywhere. I'm not one of those people who goes around trash-talking every fencer from outKingdom (or from a certain specific Kingdom) because they applied their rules to our fight. I don't like getting hit too hard, just like everyone else, but getting hit too hard is not the same as getting hit with positive pressure. I don't like getting hit from the side without seeing it coming, but I don't get pissed off when it happens if the person who killed me is from a kingdom with different engagement rules than Caid's (180-degree engagement versus 120, etc.). As far as I know, no Kingdom's rules encourage hitting as hard as you can, hitting multiple times, or hitting from outside range. Those are the faults of the fencer, not the entire rapier community of a Kingdom.

Nobody's perfect. People make mistakes and other people get pissed off because of them. I tend to do both, occasionally at the same time.  I do my share of smack-talking and chest-thumping in camp, but I try to leave it off the field. I try really hard to control my temper on the field, not start any trash talk, and be generous in my stated opinions of people and how questionable scenarios played out. Sometimes I fail, but I try. We all have our weaknesses, and my big mouth is mine. I've known this for a long time, so I try to keep it under control on the field, even if I have to vent once I'm off (I'm a verbal processor, I have to talk to get my feelings in order and get them out).

(CONFESSION: I did get pissed off at one point at Estrella and called someone a jackass as I was walking back to res, but I said it very quietly to myself and made sure I was far enough away that he didn't hear me (Lot heard me, but Lot hears everything bad that I do. He's like the principal of rapier.). Dude had just blown off a kill to the chest after telling me "I've taken a lot harder," so either he felt it and decided not to take it or he didn't feel it, which is possible... I felt contact when I hit him, but accidents happen and I know it's easy to blow off a shot on the melee field. I like to think I still would have taken it had I been in his shoes, but I can't be sure. I still thought it was good. ANYWAY. That's neither here nor there--I was annoyed. By the time I got back to the res point, I was over it. Bottom line: It was the wrong way to handle it, it was immature, but I knew the person wasn't going to have a real discussion with me about it and I just needed to do something with my anger so I didn't bring it back onto the field with me. See? I'm not perfect. Moving on.)

All that being said, there are some standards of behavior which I apply to everyone, of every rank and experience level, from every kingdom. In my opinion, these standards must be met or at least worked towards for everyone to have a good time on the field. It's extremely disappointing to see people blow off shots, refuse to apologize or even acknowledge that they hit too hard, or start counter-accusing people who put them on the spot by calling out their bad behavior.

Worst of all is when you see someone who's got some clout in another Kingdom behaving like a high school quarterback in the locker room. I had to think about why it was such a big deal to me that people of rank conduct themselves better than the Average Joe, so let's talk this one through, shall we? In my opinion, if you've got rank, you've got even more responsibility than the average person to conduct yourself well around members of other Kingdoms, regardless of their rank. If you're a White Scarf, or a Knight crossing over to the fencing field, or a Laurel, or a King, you are a living, breathing representation of the populace of your Kingdom even more so than the average Joe Fencer.

So why do people with rank count more than the Average Joe? Because we're not actually a feudal society in the SCA, nor are we an (entirely) merit-based one. Certain awards can be given for sheer skill in one area, with less emphasis on service or conduct (Kingship and, I imagine, Laurelling--I don't know that many Laurels or that much about how they're made, so I'm a little hesitant to make that judgment), but even those awards carry the weight of expectation--as a Laurel, you're expected to distribute your time and skill among the people, educating them and encouraging their interests. As a King, you're making a commitment of 3-9 months, depending on the Kingdom, to serve your people as a visual and behavioral ideal--for six months, you become Arthur, and your Queen becomes Guinevere, and you have to handle all the positive and negative stereotypes encompassed in those roles. But by and large, in the SCA, you get where you get by being able to play nice with others as well as excelling at combat, art, or service. You rise because people believe you're worth it. As it says on the inside of the Caid crown, You Rule Because They Believe.

Now if you take your pointy hat or your pretty belt or your shiny scarf out on the field and act like an asshole, you're sending a very clear message that isn't just about you, but about every member of your Kingdom, as well. This person is acknowledged as exemplary in their skill or their martial art in their Kingdom, even though they're being a total dick on the field. Well, they're from [insert name of Kingdom here], not my Kingdom. I guess they do things differently there.

Subtext here being, I guess they don't care if a person's an asshole there. Or maybe, I guess they don't think s/he's an asshole there.

Then, of course, you look at a person like that, a person of rank who’s expected to return some service to their Kingdom taking students, and what else can you think? You’re seeing the perpetuation of some pretty awful behavior being encouraged and ingrained on the minds and conduct of people who will, one day, probably take their own turn leading the community. And yes, some of those students will probably grow up to be perfectly nice people (just like some of the students of perfectly nice people have grown up to be assholes), but the message is the same—people from this Kingdom want to be this guy’s students. Clearly, people in this Kingdom don’t think he’s an asshole.

These are very bad reactions to have. After the initial reaction, of course we all know that the actions of one person don't represent the opinions, conduct, or personality of their whole Kingdom. That being said, when you look at a person who's been awarded, praised, and touted up and down their Kingdom who consistently acts like a jerk on the field and doesn't do anything to change it, you start to think That Kingdom has different values than my Kingdom. Eventually, this becomes That Kingdom doesn’t care about chivalry/honor/ as much as my Kingdom.

So what do we do when we see a person like that, a person who is apparently so high up on their horse that they either can’t hear the admonitions of their peers, or don’t care? I don’t have any good solutions here, so I’m looking for suggestions.

It seems like time doesn’t change a person who blows off shots, a person who hits too hard and laughs about it, a person who yells at the person they’ve just injured, a person who cheats. Do we need more aggressive marshalling? If we had it, would this solve the problem if the offenders had rank? (Personally, I think more aggressive marshalling would drive me crazy, especially on the war field where it seems like every time a marshal has a conversation of more than ten words with someone we have to call a hold, but it’s an option. It might even help cool tempers a little, I don’t know). Do we need someone to just yell at these guys until they get it? I’ve seen that happen, or start to happen, and it doesn’t seem to work.

I’ve found that the only way I can deal with these guys and still respect other members of the fencing community from their Kingdoms is by pretending they don’t have the rank that they do—after all, if they rule because I believe, or if our awards are really just symbols of inner quality, if I don’t see the quality, why should I acknowledge the award? And this is a terrible perspective to have! So how else can I acknowledge my anger, do something with it rather than choking it down, and not feel like I’ve bowed my head to someone who doesn’t deserve it?

How do you get an asshole to respect you as much as he respects himself?

Okay, two pages later I think I’ve about exhausted that topic… for now. ;)

Thoughts? Comments? Feedback? Flames? Lay it on me!